I can still feel his pain

Even the anguish can still be seen behind the window watching you fade as you walked, you killed a bit of me every time you left without giving me any explanation, leaving me full of doubts and totally scared, feelings that I should not discover yet. You gave them to me, you made me discover how evil life could be when I had to discover and learn from you, the good things of life to run for that life and not give up. I do not know if you were looking for me out of love, or for pity to see me cry every time you left, maybe you admired that desire to cling to you not wanting to let go.

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Nobody I love you the way I loved you nobody ever saw you as the only option, nobody never cared so hard for you, nobody kept thinking about you when you left, nobody asked God on his knees to get you I would care to save you from all the bad, you had someone who always waits for you no matter what damage you did to him because I did not understand that you were hurting me, I did not understand that the only person in the world responsible for loving me does not love me. I felt everything that a person who really loves feels, I missed you when you were not, I thought of you and me in imaginary settings being happy.

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I felt anguish I worried about you I did not want anyone to hurt you, it killed me thinking that someone evil out there could hurt you, you made me feel insecure. The people around me told me that you did not love me, they told me not to cry for you because you were not worth it. They would put me against you, and even then they would not give me the love that according to them I deserved, they only took care of hurting me. I remember calling you on the phone and telling you that they said you did not love me, I do not remember exactly what you said, I just know it was something like “Do not listen to them, they do not know”

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You disappeared for months sometimes, I remember waiting anxiously for your call made me happy to hear your voice, I wanted to ask you how you were, I wanted you to tell me everything no matter what it was I wanted to hear your voice, which for me was that of an Angel . I did not let the unpleasant comments of people towards you have any negative effect, your image before me was completely intact at that time I did not allow anyone to hurt you with their words.

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I remember once I was with you, you were dressing, I looked at you perplexed, I liked to see how you arranged, I asked you to take me with you, I wanted to accompany you to where you were, you told me that I had to stay at home waiting for you to arrive and I begged you crying to take me with you, you stared at me imposing your authority you told me you would take me on a condition I asked what it was and you told me that if you took me you would leave me with a relative and I could not go back with you, at first I thought you were joking that you only did it for me to stay.

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I accepted your condition, at that moment I thought it did not matter if I had to make that sacrifice because I wanted to be with you all the way to the place where you would go, I wanted to have that moment with you I wanted to hug you and tell you when I loved you so you would not forget me never. You bought a lot of gifts for me you wanted me to entertain while you left me leaving with people I did not know and who did not love me, you allowed those people to hurt me a feeling that I have not yet been able to forget.

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You abandoned me a thousand times I forgive you a thousand times, you said you would see me you gave me time and date you even told me where I should go to wait I went to that place and you left me waiting for you never arrived, every time I looked at a bus I thought it was in the that you came more but the buses passed without stopping making me feel that I did not lose hope that in the next you would come, the day was over and I had to go back before it was dark, you did not arrive and I cried on the way home ask me because the person who had to love me hurt me so much.

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You said that when I grew up I would understand it, I grew up mom and I still do not understand why you did not love me. It hurts me every time you told me not to become the victim, it hurts me that you did not realize the damage you caused me, your tears and your forgiveness have touched me, they have even forgive me, then you ruin it with some action and it is there where the sentence which says “Love or repentance is shown with actions and not words” is just when that phrase rings in my head and makes me understand that maybe you will never feel guilty for having destroyed that maternal bond with me , a link that only you could have created with me.

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You are right when you say that it was many years ago and that I should overcome it, but I can not overcome it because when I get sad for what you did to me, I do not think about the time I spend, I think about that little five-year-old girl crying for you through from the window, I feel the anguish of that girl when you vanished away from the place where you left me, it is as if that girl continued to exist in time I do not speak of memories I think as if it were possible that the scenes of our lives were repeating again and again somewhere in time, it’s as if, I felt all the sadness of my childish self as if a little of that pain traveled through time to remind me how that little girl is suffering, when the pain of the past catches trying to tell myself that everything will be fine, I’m sorry to talk to that girl through me telling her to calm down that if nobody else out there loves her at that moment she does not have to feel to, that I learned to love her completely that now I am hugging her every day that I am telling her to keep going so that she runs for her dreams that she loves with intensity.

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I have hurtful memories of my past most of the times I feel happy or calm, it’s as if that past does not let me enjoy the good of the present is almost as if I feel I do not deserve it, I know it’s not right that I should not feel like that, but it is something I can not leave behind, it will sound depressing but I feel that those memories are precisely what motivate me to keep going to remind me that I deserve to be happy and deserve to go and run for my dreams, I swear I am trying now, so those memories are a bit of gasoline for my mind a kind of energizing fuel.

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At present I do not feel like missing you, I do not feel anguish when you are not close to me, I do not think about you anymore. You killed the love I felt for you, I do not want negative things for your life, just the opposite, I wish you well, I want you to learn to love yourself to accept what you are and what you are not. I wish it was not too late for you, you still deserve that someone loves you, you deserve to realize that you are valuable you have to heal your wounds to be able to realize the wounds that you provoked to others. I think you have to heal in order to try to heal others, I do not want it to be too late for you. I want you to be able to see it. I do not want you to continue believing that the life I am touching you is unjust and that you stand idly by. I do not hold any grudge I swear I try to understand everything that has led you to treat me like this, I feel hurt more every time I try to understand you I can not forget that girl waiting for your return, waiting behind a window I still feel her pain.



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