In the visual capture of my life and the sensations that my human body produces, then storing them in a space where I am the only one who has access, I can relive them whenever I choose to remember them. Undoubtedly, there are moments in life that mark a before and after, and that early morning on the way back to the United States completely broke my heart. Now I know that I can also love a friend, and it’s a love so deep that it seeks no explanation. It simply allows itself to happen and is grateful.

I was seated on the bus, near the exit to disembark at Terminal 1 of Benito Juarez International Airport in Mexico City, when I heard my friend shouting to me from the passenger seat of the car. I watched her through the window of my seat, wishing I could ask the bus driver to stop so I could run to her and give her another hug. I wanted to express how much she means to me.

Despite our completely different ways of existing in this world, the inexplicable love that binds us has allowed us to be part of each other’s lives. I’ve been brutally honest with you about how I see life, about my limits, and I’ve also learned from yours. Over time, we have found our unique way to allow this bond to exist.

Returning to Mexico was necessary to connect the remaining pieces and assimilate all the changes of the past year. I was able to see both perspectives as a Latin American woman living in the United States now, recognizing that, no matter what I’m doing in the present or future, Latin America is a part of me. I feel grateful and proud to be a Latina woman. There are so many colors, so much diversity, and so many different artistic expressions in those lands that I can feel the presence of all those dreamy and vibrant souls, with a hope and passion for life that I fully share.

I have found spaces of clarity in the silence of observation. I have learned about the importance of listening to others and considering their different perspectives on life. I have experienced the peace that comes from respecting these viewpoints, while keeping mine clear and finding a middle ground that allows me to coexist, learn, and continue evolving at my own pace.

We are three young women sharing a double room, grateful to coincide in this life. While one of my friends is crying as she reads the letter I wrote to her, expressing my gratitude for our friendship and how her actions show more than any words her sincere desire to be part of my life, I find myself reflecting more than ever on the meaning of friendship. It’s as if there’s an unspoken agreement between us to truly see each other as we are and to love each other unconditionally.

I’ve been working hard on my understanding of love lately. I’ve even been able to see from where I relate to others, and although I know it’s from being myself, I can see this femininity in me that seeks this healthy masculine embrace, and it’s something that feels completely natural and simply beautiful. I never want to lose that because I know it comes from the most primitive part of my own existence, and it’s part of my identity. And even though I know both energies exist within me, I’m interested in finding a convenient balance that allows me to respect and admire the opposite sex.

I’ve also wondered about goodbyes, what’s the right way to «Say goodbye» and what does that word really mean? How can I let go of someone with whom I shared my thoughts and part of my life? Because those versions of me with which I no longer identify still feel those emotions, like replicas that are not part of my current reality but resonate like echoes of the past. So, perhaps there’s no goodbye forever when memories of that union that had an important place in the history of my life are still stored in my memory, but there is a form of closure that no longer allows me to create new memories. It simply feels like it has served its purpose, and I can only be grateful and let it go.

Will I be able to experience something about the one I want to be forever?

Suddenly, I’m crying in the room of the place where we stayed. I’m confused because you’re saying you have feelings for me, and you ask me in a loud tone why I’m not feeling the same way. I can’t explain simply that I’ve removed all idea of romance because I didn’t want things to get complicated and lose you, when I’m still in the process of getting to know myself and settling in all the forms of life I want to experience. You leave the room and I’m totally confused. On the way back, there’s a space where only our voices are heard, and you say hesitantly for the first time that you love me. I tell you later, before returning, that I also love you. We leave it in a friendly way and for the first time, I hear a man who is not my family tell me he loves me without any physical romantic involvement, and I am completely blessed to experience your pure and honest love, which is stronger than any human limitation.

I am not that animated object alive, smiling and happy 24 hours a day. Happiness can only be experienced in rationed portions of time. I am brutally honest with myself and others, I know it can hurt, but I learn the right way to communicate and come to two parts understood, to stay or leave if necessary. I am constantly learning about letting go, and not staying in spaces where I feel I can’t be myself or don’t feel appreciated. I work so constantly and consciously on realizing my life that I will in no way allow anything that is not real and true in it. I am hungry and thirsty for new experiences, and the way I can see myself is something so great that I keep in mind every morning when I wake up: I am going to die someday and I can’t afford to live a life that I don’t feel.

To all the people I love, and to all those who love me too, you are pure medicine that soothes me and gives me back. I thank you infinitely for your existence, and I hope to continue choosing every day to be a good person, and to be there for you in everything I can and you need me.

Written by kafme