There Is Always Background Noise
There is always background noise in the existence and creation of life. Consciousness is always present, like a recorder with an unlimited battery, capturing life and matter from all directions. Amid what we are experiencing as protagonists, there is a temporality we were not observing. Even if it feels eternal in the accounting of time, that too is temporary. Learning to become aware of the present moment is to value the gift of life. It is as if you could see it happening right now, born from your very breath.
Part 1: The Memory of the Beach
On that beach where we met, where the sound of the waves was our natural background music, where our youth ran barefoot while the sun illuminated our days, where the direction of our lives and the loss of any clear path led us to the path of finding each other, and where our laughter mixed with the sound of the waves and the glow in our eyes blended with the sun’s rays. I returned to that beach, to that place, after three years, and you were there with me. I could see you running toward me with a big smile, like a child seeing their mother with vulnerability and innocence. That smile aligned with the brightness in your eyes, and I seemed to run toward you, but suddenly something pulled us backward and took us away from that embrace.
I woke up and realized it had only been a dream, and that the decisions I was now making, and those you had made, were pulling us further away from the reality where we had met.
I never told you this, perhaps because I didn’t know how to say it in the language I spoke with you, but I feel that free will is sacred. When I heard you say you wanted to travel the world and sought all that freedom out there, I felt that even though I loved you and wanted us to exist in a world of just us two, I had to respect your ways. True love is also about letting go, even when we don’t understand the decisions of the other. Wherever you are, I embrace you tightly and tell you that everything will be okay. That is my good energy for someone I have truly loved.
Part 2: Returning to My Roots
On my most recent trip to Latin America, where I was born, my eyes saw it as if it belonged to the past. It was as if all the suffering, uncertainty, and abandonment were something my new reality was gradually erasing. It felt as though my ears no longer understood the language, as if I heard it as background noise, as if I viewed it from a distance I had never thought possible. Yet, there was profound respect and gratitude for everything it had taught me and for all the memories that, as both a resident and a traveler now, continue to teach me.
I tried to pronounce all the Spanish words needed for the conversations, but it felt as though I could no longer feel those words. It was as if my mind had finally transitioned to another reality with another language, even while still in the process of learning and expressing it. A middle ground began to emerge between the borders of the world I came from: beyond the place where I was born, the family I come from, the laws I grew up with, the religion I was taught, and the social norms that tried to impose themselves on me. It was as if I could finally start becoming my own person.
Part 3: Present Love
I have once again felt the joy of a smiling child with your kisses. I have covered your face with kisses upon waking. I have looked into your eyes while riding the rhythm of my breath and my body, thrilled to feel your physical form.
I feel this energy within me, wanting to love you in different ways, to love even the way you love me: your patience, your reasoning, your presence in our conversations, the way you give yourself, and the way you receive my giving. I have realized with you that these feelings were never truly about someone in the past. These feelings always spoke of myself. This love that exists within me, this light in my eyes, grows within me. Meeting you has made roots grow from inside me to embrace you, and you awakened that within me, just as I awakened the extensions of your roots within you.
Those who have not started this personal and intimate work with themselves, who have not nurtured love for themselves, cannot see real love, even if it stands right in front of them. But there is always something inexplicable, and that something found us now, and we are making love. And it is different. It is as if my heart is safe with you. (Current reality beginning of January 2025) is as if I have reached a self-awareness where I could leave to care for myself, navigating tranquil waters—my waters.
Knowing you and feeling all this life and love within me is something born from my own existence. It speaks of me. Therefore, making love with you now comes from making love with myself. This feeling I have for you, I am truly feeling for myself. But your existence makes it tangible because I express it toward you as an extension of myself. I love you.
Choosing Existence
I exist in a reality where I seek to help others, and others seek to help me. I exist in a reality where being myself is my greatest quality, and everyone I meet feels confident to be themselves with me.
I exist in a reality where I take my time to breathe, to observe the current moment, to spiral with the wind, and to breathe through the spaces of existence that allow the explosion of life to happen—the entirety of its evolution until now and whatever it may become in the future. I exist in a reality where I can speak with God and begin my conversation with Him from a place of gratitude. I exist in a reality where I can see the seasons change and the magic of each one of them. I exist in a reality where I can always see the good in things, even when they are covered in darkness. I trust that the light will always rise to the surface and transform it into something special and unique—something beautiful, because that is the promise of the God who resides within me, the beautiful rainbow at the end.
And in that imagination that belongs to each of us…
I choose to exist first from there.
And then, the world is born for me, from this existence.
I exist in a world where no one else exists, where reality embraces me, and I embrace reality. I exist in a world where the sky is a deep blue, where butterflies intertwine among the green colors of the treetops, where my soul feels crossed within my heart, where my breath feels like sips of water, and the air tastes salty as if the presence of the ocean always surrounded me, even when I cannot see it. I exist in a world where I can imagine a story for every landscape I see, where wildflowers in different colors move as if dancing with the wind.
An Exercise for You
I invite you to reflect on these questions and share your answers:
- In what moments of your life have you felt that everything is temporary, even what seemed eternal?
- What does «learning to value the gift of life» mean to you?
- How do you relate to the idea that the love we give others is a reflection of the love we have for ourselves?
- What have you learned about yourself through your past relationships?
- What memories or landscapes fill you with peace and gratitude when you recall them?
Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments or email them to kafmeblog@gmail.com.