Speaker1: [00:00:01] I always felt a little guilty for not being the most focused in school. I remember feeling as if I was failing for not being the most serious about paying attention in class or even for falling asleep in elementary school and having the teacher say, «Don’t bother Katheryn, she’s having a very good nap.» I don’t know how I made it through elementary school, high school, and my time at university. I actually had pretty decent grades when I never really felt like I put effort into studying. It was simply as if I was paying attention and understanding. Then, I would even dare to answer exams in my own words, and teachers had to accept them anyway because, in those things I wrote on the exams, I was demonstrating that I had understood what they were trying to teach me.
Now that I am twenty-six years old and living on my own, I realize how disorganized I can be at times. I realize how unfocused I can be at times. I realize how I am navigating life, but I am truly doing it in my own way, at my own pace. Learning all these structures on my own and by choice. I also see how people out there strive to have a structure that makes them feel like they are in a routine, in a comfort zone, safe, and how I am always open to changing the entire scenario if necessary, just to keep learning, growing, and expanding my form and my consciousness. And it’s not that they are wrong or that I am right, or that I am wrong and they are right.
Speaker1: [00:02:38] It’s really not about that. It’s simply that I am existing in my own way, and I feel that I want to learn to be more disciplined, that I want to learn to be more focused, that I want to make that to-do list for the day and complete it all. And I think that’s what I am teaching myself as a self-taught person right now: to have that discipline, to have that strength of focus to make things happen. But sometimes I am very distracted, and I think it’s part of my natural way of being, and I try not to fight against it anymore but rather, hopefully, find and continue existing in balance. Lately, I have felt quite neutralized in my emotions, and that’s a very new thing to say. I think in the past, I used to take my emotions to the extreme: either I was very happy or very excited, or I was very sad or very angry. And I think I used to believe that each of those emotions deserved to have complete prominence, to be the one in control, and that I should allow myself to experience each of them in their entirety.
Speaker1: [00:04:16] And I don’t know if I had that thought because I know that I am a human being, that I am temporarily in my physical form, and that the experience of these emotions is truly a gift to feel. But then, recently, I was listening to a podcast where the hosts were interviewing Elizabeth Gilbert. Oh, I really like Elizabeth Gilbert. I feel that she is a writer who deeply reflects her own experiences. And well, she said something like, «I no longer agree with letting emotion dominate me or being deeply in one emotion and then moving on to another. Now I am trying to neutralize my emotions.» And when I heard her say that, I thought: I think that’s what I want to achieve now. I want to be neutralized in my emotions. I want to be balanced in my emotions. I want to naturally and consciously observe my emotions and not let any of them take control or prominence over me, but rather be the one who allows them to exist and express themselves, but from a prior analysis, even if it’s an analysis of just a few seconds. And I think it’s a new lesson or truth, something I want to incorporate into my life. I had never felt this way before, I had never felt that I gave so much power to my emotions and not as much power to selecting which emotion I should give energy to or pay attention to. And now I feel that I have started a new path where I need to keep my emotions balanced. I think reaching that understanding makes me feel that it is also a way of being present, of also being an observer, and maintaining balance in those emotions, in that neutralizing of emotions.
Speaker1: [00:06:51] So, I think that’s somehow where I am right now. Recently, I went to a social event in Denver, in the downtown area. It was a Sunday, from the afternoon until early evening. The idea of this event was to socialize, meet new people, and dance. I think it’s more about dancing than anything else, and drinking alcohol. Personally, I don’t drink alcohol. I think when I do, it’s perhaps a margarita, like I did at that event. Or sometimes I really enjoy drinking wine when I cook pasta, or when I’m at an Italian restaurant, or when I’m eating some kind of strong red meat. And I’ve felt that wine, a glass of wine, has helped me digest a little more favorably. I don’t know if that makes sense, but that’s what I’ve felt. I also like sangria; it’s like a tropical party inside with fruits and wine and I don’t know what other kind of alcohol. But I have never taken it to the extreme because I have thought that alcohol is very… no, not thought, it is known that it is very bad for the body. So, I have tried to consume it consciously when I have had my encounters with alcohol.
Speaker1: [00:08:24] So, I think I try not to have any external substance apart from fruit or something that comes from the earth or something that I know is natural. And well, what I am getting at is that at that event, I was with one of my friends. She is from South Africa, and she is a woman whom I respect and admire because I love her approach, I love her structure, I love how she has traveled and lived in very strategic parts of the world, and how, in some way, love made her want to discover America and marry an American. They got married last year. I met her in a very natural way, I think it was destiny, and she is one of my friends and I love her. We were at that party, and she, somehow, drank a lot of alcohol. We were trying to have a conversation amid all that party, all that energy, where I was asking her, «How are you? How’s your new job going? How’s your marriage going?» and those kinds of questions. And she answered them all, and I was happy for her. But then, as the alcohol intensified in her body, she asked me very direct questions: «How is my current job search process going?» «Why am I not in a relationship with a man yet?» «What am I really doing?»
Speaker1: [00:10:14]
Although I felt that these questions were very direct and somewhat intimidating, I also knew how to respond by telling her that I am at my own pace. That I am simply trying to be conscious of everything I do and that I am not going to choose a man just because it seems like I have to choose one now or that I have to know who I am going to spend the rest of my life with…
I told her that I don’t think that’s the place from which I want to choose someone, and regarding work, I don’t want to choose a job just because we live in an American society where work is the number one priority and everything else comes second. I told her that’s not the kind of American I want to be. I want to be an American who prioritizes my emotional well-being, my physical well-being, my spiritual well-being, where I can choose, accept, and seek job opportunities in things that I truly want to do and believe in. And I answered all those questions in that way to her. Then I danced a little, and many men came toward me—to intimidate me, I feel—because I almost felt obligated to give them my social media contact. Although, when I got back to my apartment, I blocked them. I am not interested in going out with those people.
Speaker1: [00:12:03]
And I don’t know, I feel like it is very uncertain for others—at least from their perspective—when someone chooses to live life under their own rules because they don’t know how to follow you. At any moment, you could say anything to them, so they don’t know where to place you in their minds. Like saying, “Oh, that person is this way, does this, and that defines them.” I think that when you are someone like me—very unpredictable—it causes people some kind of stress, not knowing how to position themselves when trying to understand you in their minds, figuring out who you really are or what you are actually doing. And that’s fine—I respect it.
I also think it was beautiful to know that a few days after that event, she reflected and told me that she apologized to me, that she was only projecting how she is with life, but that she respects me and respects my dreams, respects what I want, and respects that I am going to achieve it. And she sent me that very good energy. And I think it’s beautiful to have true friendships. I think it’s beautiful to have friendships that challenge you but also reflect and tell you, “Forgive me if I overstepped, right?” And I think that’s it. I think that’s beautiful.
Speaker1: [00:13:37]
I think it’s very beautiful to know that the people you choose to have a friendship with respect you and care for you, and even if they challenge you, they also realize when what they are telling you is truly something they want to say because they care about you or when it’s actually just a projection of their own insecurities and has nothing to do with you but more with them.
And I think it’s beautiful for me to say that my friendships are true and that I am also very true with my friendships. Last night, I had a two-hour call with one of my other very close friends. We were debating a little and talking about how she is currently doing, what she is doing, what I am currently doing, and how our lives are right now. I told her that I was feeling a bit frustrated sexually, that I felt I hadn’t had sex in a long time since I stopped having contact with the man I started dating at the end of last year, and that I was feeling frustrated because I realized that sex is very important in my life—it’s a form of expression and a way to move my energy, my emotions, to release them, and to feel that human male contact where I connect and feel like we are one, sharing ourselves. But that under no circumstances could I give something as sacred as my body to someone I didn’t genuinely want to be with.
Speaker1: [00:15:36]
So, we also talked a bit about that. We talked about how coming from different cultures to a country where many different cultures coexist and exist at the same time also gives us and opens up an opportunity to understand and respect other perspectives. But at the same time, how difficult it makes it to seek that real human connection where this other human being strips away their place of origin, their family, their culture, and builds their own personality and sees you from a place of first seeing themselves, and sees you because you are also seeing yourself first.
But being aware of that, we also knew that we would choose correctly the man we want to marry, be mothers with, and have as our partner. We also talked about other things happening in the United States today, but I think we always ended those conversations by saying that we are very grateful for the opportunity to navigate our lives and our twenties in an authentic way. And that I, personally, feel very grateful for her friendship and for us finding each other in our twenties because I think this is an age where many important things are decided for the future—very, very important things.
Speaker1: [00:17:28] This morning, I had to leave my apartment. I put on a pair of black fabric pants, a short-sleeved shirt with an illustration of wild horses running through space. It’s a shirt I think I bought in 2022 at H&M. And then I put on a cap that I usually wear to protect myself from the sun when I run. And I don’t know, I felt like I didn’t want anyone to see me on the street. I felt like I wanted to go unnoticed. I felt like I didn’t want people to look at me, and I think it’s something I’ve felt in the United States. I think it was really difficult for me when I moved to live alone in the United States in 2022, and in 2023, I had a man following me on multiple occasions, wanting to get my contact information and telling me how beautiful I was and that I had to give him my phone number. I remember I even had to call the police because I felt like he was harassing me, and although, thank God, nothing bad happened, the mere fact of feeling that I was being harassed, that someone was following me, that someone was obsessed with me, made me feel very unsafe. And it was a feeling I had never, never ever experienced before, a frustration that this was happening to me at that moment.
Speaker1: [00:19:08] But what hurt me the most was not that I couldn’t call my mom, not that I couldn’t call anyone to tell them, but because I was afraid that they would think I couldn’t live alone, that I was too defenseless, or that I couldn’t do the things I want to do in this world because the world could harm me. I think that hurt me a lot, having to keep it to myself, having to tell people who maybe didn’t care instead of telling those who actually did. I was afraid to tell my mom and have her say, «Katheryn, I bought a plane ticket, you’re coming back right now because it’s dangerous.» I was afraid to think that I was already an adult human being and that these things were happening to me as a woman. And those were days of extreme stress because I didn’t really know what to do. And in some way, I had to be an adult and live and understand society and say, «Okay, I have to call the police, I have to report this, this is bothering me.» And the police identified the man, and they were like, «The moment he approaches you again, call us back, and we will do something.» Because it seems that in the United States, if someone doesn’t physically attack you, they can’t do anything, because they have to wait for something to actually happen to you before they do anything. Because if there’s just a threat of something or someone, it seems like they don’t take it as seriously.
Speaker1: [00:20:46] At least that’s how it happened in Denver in 2023. And I don’t know, I think after that experience, when I walk down the street, I have to, in some way, think about it. Even if I don’t want to, I have to be careful, I have to remember that even if I live in a so-called first-world country, I have to be afraid of people doing drugs on the streets, of people consuming drugs, and that no one is doing anything to stop them, and how normalized it is to see people who take medications just to exist, who take «prescribed» drugs just to exist.
It’s something I didn’t expect to see, and it hurts me because those are not things I believe in. And today, in the morning, when I went for a walk, I wore that outfit and that cap, and I felt like I didn’t want anyone to see me. I also remembered how, last summer, another man started following me, telling me that he needed me to give him my phone number. I feel proud of where I come from, I have always felt proud of where I was born, of my family, of where I come from. I feel proud of how I look, I really like my body, I really like my face, I’m kind of obsessed with how I look, because it is a representation of my own existence in a feminine and natural way. But I have also had to modify certain beliefs to be able to protect myself from others as a woman, and I think I didn’t understand that before, until I came to the United States and realized how dangerous the world is for women, how dangerous the world is for women, and how we have to find that masculine side within us to be alert and protect ourselves.
Speaker1: [00:23:19] And I think that has been very, very difficult to face. But I am grateful that I know how to keep myself safe, that I know how to react, that I won’t let anything stop me and that I will be able to defend myself. But I just want to say that I didn’t expect to feel this way in a world power where they say it’s safe, right? But I guess I am also learning to navigate the world in general. When I came back in the morning, after spending almost two hours at the supermarket scanning products and seeing which was the best option for me, I walked back home, and I don’t know, I felt like I wanted to cry, but I didn’t allow myself to. It was like, everything is fine, Katheryn, calm down. Then, I have this other part of me that observes. So, I think there is also this other part of me, where I hold onto my own essence, my own existence, while I see how different things evolve, change, and my various perspectives shift into a more realistic, more honest, and more faithful lens to myself.
Speaker1: [00:25:16]
And I think I have always had this concern about not wanting to live in a reality that is not respectful, that is not honest, that is not real. So, I am always taking care of my relationships, my expression, my being, and acting as naturally as possible. As a young woman, living at my own pace and from my truth, I have also had to guard my dignity in an extreme way. And, generally, this has also meant protecting myself from those men who, because they have a certain financial or social status, have believed they can buy me.
And I think there was a point last year when someone who worked at the company I was in jokingly told me how much money he made, and it was a lot of money. Then he made a joke like, «if you’re looking for a sugar daddy.» I laughed and ignored it, but deep down, I felt: why are you saying these things to me? This is so out of place. This is so disrespectful.
And I think about all the times I have received this kind of proposal from men who, just to have my attention, my body, and my being, have offered money or offered to help me achieve certain things. And how, in an extreme way, I have had to protect my dignity and achieve everything I have achieved—and what I want to achieve—by staying true to myself, my values, my principles, and the things I believe in.
Speaker1: [00:27:31]
And I think there was a point last year when I said: why am I protecting this image so much? Why am I protecting this image so much when maybe those proposals could make my life easier? And then, a few months later, I answered that question and said: I am not protecting my image for others, I am protecting my image for myself—because I care.
I care deeply about what I think of myself. I care deeply about the image I have of myself for myself. It’s not for others, it’s for me. I care about my self-image, I care—and that is the most important thing I have: the image I have of myself for myself.
To say: Katheryn, how are you taking care of yourself? Katheryn, what are you eating? Katheryn, what are you consuming? Katheryn, who are you surrounding yourself with? That matters to me—for myself.
For a long time, I thought I was doing it because I cared about what others thought, but I don’t think I actually care. I think what truly matters to me is what I, alone, in my solitude, when I am with myself, think of myself. And that’s why I know I have had to guard my dignity in extreme ways—to earn my own self-respect.
Speaker1: [00:29:01]
And I am very proud, I am very proud of that—and that’s how I feel. But it’s also difficult to see that part of the world where I am sexualized, where there are men who want to buy me, where how I look is more important than what is happening inside of me.
And while I am very grateful for how I see myself, for my shape, and for how I take care of myself—because those are things I love about myself—it is also difficult to see how the world really is.
And that is why, for me, when I think about giving myself to love, I am always careful, I am always cautious, I am always asking all these questions: why do you want to be with me? Because of how I look? Do you really want to know what I think? Do you really want to know what I have been through and how I have navigated it? Do you truly want to know who my parents are? Do you truly want to know how I was raised? Do you truly want to know what I think, what I want, what I am doing now, what I want to do in the future?
And I think I am very deep in all these things because I want to make sure that the connection is real. And that if I am going to give myself to a man, it is because he sees me beyond being a woman, beyond my age, beyond what I have achieved so far, beyond the things that are visible.
Speaker1: [00:00:00]
I want someone who truly cares and who truly values me.
And I think that when I have navigated long romantic relationships, I have known that it was true love. Truly.
And I know that when they ended, it was because sometimes there are people who—like my sister. My sister was, I think, 19 years old when I told her and sent her a message. I was in Mexico and I told her that I had made the decision to divorce the man I had married, the one I met in college.
I remember that my 19-year-old sister sent me an image that said: «There are people who are part of your journey, but they are not your destination.» And when I saw that image, I cried a lot because I think sometimes we wish that something would stay the same as when we fell in love, as when we first knew it.
But there is also this truth in life—that everything is constantly changing, all the time. And maybe real, lifelong love with a man means that this person is open to embracing you, understanding you, knowing you, and recognizing you in all those forms and in all those changes that you choose to undertake.
Speaker1: [00:01:57]
And I think it is this need to be with a conscious person so that they can give themselves to you, and you can give yourself to them.
And when I had the opportunity to come to live in the United States, I had the chance to put myself, completely alone, in a new country and a new city.
I think I did it because I needed to reach these conclusions. I needed to be able to understand what I now understand. And I knew that to discover it, I had to isolate myself like a hermit, basically.
And now, after two years, there are still things I need to do, learn, and understand. But I also know that I have found a foundation within myself, where I exist from that absolute self-respect.
And this expression of, if necessary, explaining to the other person who I am, what I want, what I am doing, and where I come from—I also have full confidence in myself to do it. And I think that is something beautiful. And I feel proud of that too.
But what I want to say and express through all of this is that there is nothing more extraordinary in life than existing as your true self.
And that it takes a lot of courage to do so. It takes a lot of strength, a lot of perseverance, and a lot of confidence to do so.
Speaker1: [00:04:12]
But the most important thing it takes is that you have to believe in yourself.
It is believing that you are the only thing you truly have. You have to believe that everything depends on you.
And you also have to have faith that God is always above you, watching you, guiding you, helping you—but that God, in His infinite love for you, in His infinite respect for your free will and your free way of thinking, will also intervene only as much as you allow Him to.
And I think my prayers always say to God:
«God, I give this to You, because You, God, know what is best for me. Because You see where I have no eyes to see. And You know. And I give You absolute permission to intervene and always send toward me what is most fitting for the highest purpose of my soul, my body, my humanity, my energy that exists.»
And I think I needed to talk about these things today, and I am glad to be able to express it—because it is also about knowing that it is a trance, and that I am okay, that everything is going to be okay.
And that I can express myself, speak, write, and share what is happening within me, in this world where I now exist.
Written by Kafme